These days I seem to struggle with a lot of things simultaneously. I am stressed a lot though I maintain quite a good morning routine. If I wouldn’t have my morning routine I guess I’d get even less done. It’s not that I am not motivated – I am, more than ever before. It’s just that everything seems so much these days, maybe because it is or maybe because I’m stuck in my own headspace and things keep piling up in there. It feels so good to check things of that ever-growing list – usually. Which is exactly the problem: I can not appreciate it insofar as I know exactly how much more there is on this damn list. And when I found the right corner in my head to get work done I can’t stop to give myself a break which leaves me less productive and just as stressed. Time Outs I order myself suddenly turn into a full day without ever finding that tiny corner again because I got lost in my own head and my instincts seem to thing that survival mode means watching Shows where strong women are badass in their job. Ironic isn’t it?
A mentor has told me a while ago, that I need to stop people pleasing. And the past couple of days I felt how much I did do exactly the opposite and how much it stressed me out to be there for everyone at all times, trying to help or even just answer questions. I should make myself scarce and prioritise myself more. I also need to learn to have more self-confidence and act like my age. Which doesn’t mean I don’t already do that but sometimes it still feels like I’m 16 and making the same stupid mistakes all over again. I know I am an incredibly loud human being and my brain sometimes thinks double the speed of others so I’m very impatient a lot of times. I’ve seen a post on instagram this morning where Michelle Obama said “I wasn’t loud. I was a young woman with something important to say”, yet I have to learn when it’s the right time to speak. It would be boring though I wouldn’t have things to learn and to grow as a person though, wouldn’t it?
Today I’m trying to be okay with things not working out as I imagined they would and not getting a single point of my list checked. Sometimes it’s okay to just quietly exist. It’s hard to realise, harder to accept and even harder to come to terms to. I feelt like I was in the wrong film when two different friends recently spoke highly of me and told me how unbelievably they think I am and that they envy my drive to do things and always aim for big goals. Don’t they see I’m struggling too? A lot actually? A dear friend has told me when I asked this question, that they do see that I am struggling a lot, but that I always manage to resolve it eventually and always strive for bigger projects. I haven’t looked at it that way. Maybe the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is right after all. So todays struggle and all that stress will firstly work out in the end and secondly be totally worth it.
I’m coming to terms with just existing which oddly enough has just provoked the urge to get things done. Weird how emotions and feelings trigger our brain, isn’t it?