Yes, I’m still alive. And I feel like I’ve got a lot of things under control again whereas 3 weeks ago everything was slipping out of my hands and future was a word that evicted feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. The past week I have worked on my ability to form habits. I made a list of things that are important right now to do on a daily basis for my impending future like practicing the piano, music theory, interval and ear training but also reading and a walk or bike ride outside. I continued to clean up and declutter the house bit by bit but I didn’t put any pressure on myself. Instead I focus on the things that are important and which motivate me to continue with everything else.
Regarding my studies I now got clarity for at least some of my subjects. All things to do with communication and journalism will be held online with no classroom presence. Which on one hand means that I do indeed have time to work at the theatre now and I reckon it would not just be good for me and my focus but my studies would benefit as well because it would give me some sort of structure for my days where I can have dedicated times do to my workload. On the other hand said workload will be more than the usual because instead of being there and giving your presentation you need to hand in work weekly or biweekly, depending on the class. It’s not as easy but then again I can take all of the classes I wanted to take because they are not bound to times and before I couldn’t take three because I had time overlaps and unfortunately my name is not Hermione Granger. With that being said I will also have a huge time gain by not traveling 4 hours a day back and forth to university.
That problem solved takes a lot of worrying away from me. I still don’t know what’s going to happen with my music studies but I guess it’s going to be similar since I don’t see an end to this pandemic any time soon. I just hope that the theatre doors will be open by the end of may or at least the rehearsals will start again.
And since we’re on the topic of the pandemic – how are you handling social distancing? I feel like the first week I spend so much time on instagram that refreshing became ridiculous because all it did was show me the same posts I’d already seen. I spend so much time on my phone and in front of the TV it got to a point where I had outbursts of energy while I felt drained at the same time. I went to bed around 2am every night and got up midday. Sometime during the past week that changed though. I feel so much more accomplished when I don’t go for that second round of sleep but instead get up when I wake up which has been between 7:30 and 9:30. I get things done and start my day with reading and my beloved chai tea and I study Italian and French, practice Piano and singing and all that before lunch. It gives me so much more energy while also keeping me focused and calm.
Staying calm is so important for me. Considering that I’m one to feel anxiety very easily I always considered myself an introvert. I know, I know – those who know me will disagree because they perceive me as this loud, energetic and very talkative person who is very outgoing but I assure you, those who know me more closely have seen a different side to me, one that I don’t show often because I often hide behind those extroverted qualities. I’m quite insecure and I thought I preferred being alone. Turns out, that I really do appreciate having people around me. It is hard for me to be home alone with the only contact being my dad and the occasional phone or Skype conversation with my friends. I miss human interaction. Like talking face to face, being in the same room, feeling the other persons energy and presence. Skype just doesn’t do it for me. I guess it puts a strain on every relationship and on peoples perception. I’m just glad I still have contact to the people who are most important to me even if it’s through a phone.
I also never thought I was such a physical person but turns out – I really do miss hugging. For my birthday this year I wish to spend it with my mom and get a big hug. I also want to spend it with my best friend, just having a walk side by side. Last week my grandpa stopped by to bring some leftovers and all I wanted to do was give him a very long hug. It physically hurt to restrain myself.
It is hard for me having been surrounded by so many people every day at the theatre to sitting alone at my desk and writing. Human interaction has become so important to me and even after such a short time I really do miss the people I’ve been working with. I gained so much in the past two months and I feel like a lot of that I owe to them. Personal growth has become part of my daily routine now and they have become my inspiration.
Social distancing is tough, that’s a given. It takes its toll on all of us, we’re all in the same boat. I hope that when all this is over, I can appreciate social gatherings, working and interacting with others face to face and small things like hugs more. For now I’m trying really hard to not fight with my dad all the time (Up until yesterday I thought I did a pretty darn good job) and appreciate the things I have right now. Which is time to focus on my future and visualise where I want to be. The sun just came out behind the clouds as I wrote that. Baby steps, right?