You might think – my god, another post about being grateful. How much does one person need to express their gratefulness? And you are probably right. But this post is not just about gratefulness – at least not entirely. This post is about black and white, about categorizing emotions and situations instead of taking them as they are.
I am sitting on my balcony as I am writing this, the sun has moved behind the roof so it is not directly in my face and I can’t keep from smiling today. I had an incredibly tough week that challenged me mentally, was frustrating at times and most of all quite exhausting. But above all it was rewarding. I actually felt like I accomplished something and maybe some greater than others and maybe I didn’t handle some situations quite as graceful as I wanted to but above all I pushed through. And that I am proud of. There were many times I just wanted to give up and let it be but I managed to find a way around the barrier in my brain.
And today? Today I rewarded myself with sleeping in, having a lazy day and doing what I like and not feeling guilty about it. Yet I somehow got stuff done. I studied just the right amount to not get a headache from all the statistics I have to do and now I decided to write this post after rummaging around the house for a while. I want to clean some more and tidy up, get the mess sorted before my dad comes back on Sunday morning. And to be honest I feel like I need to tidy in order to sort my mind as well. But the difference between today and the rest of the week is that I don’t feel like I have to do it. I just do it because I get joy from doing it or the reward I get by cleaning. It probably sound batshit crazy but that is exactly what I am grateful for today. For the week, for what I learned throughout it and for being free to make my own decisions, to do what I want (within the boundaries of the law of course!).
A sense of inner peace and fulfilment as some would call it, created by just accepting that the world is not black and white but so many shades of colourful. And that is exactly what I realized today. That no matter how stressful, busy and annoying some parts of my week have been, there have been wonderful times as well when I had lunch with my friends, helped strangers and made new friends, discovered that the toilet on the 4thfloor always got soap, paper towels and no line to wait in or when I ate strawberry cake for breakfast and talked about ideas and writing with someone I never expected to become a friend to. This week was just as unexpected as my cleaning today. I want to try to stop putting days, emotions or situations in boxes and categories with black and white labels. I want a sea of different shades of rainbow and though some might end up being exceptionally dark or bright, they are part of the same picture that is entirely unique and mine.
And what do I take from this revelation? Well, first of all the sense of inner peace and fulfilment is naturally one of the results. And secondly an odd feeling of calmness, like I can achieve everything if I give it time and purpose has settled. Maybe it is because my birthday is approaching or because it is Easter and Pesach or maybe just because the days have gotten longer and the sun is out more but giving every second of every day the chance to be a different colour will only brighten my painting in general. I even need those rainy days to water those seeds of growth and to give texture to my colours. Being able to only see one shade of the same colour would be to boring anyway, would it not?